grief and joy

I didn’t think I’d write here again.

I thought maybe a few years down the road I’d have all my blogs printed in a book for myself. When the words didn’t feel like they were written yesterday. Maybe then I’d have enough strength to read them all over again. 

If you asked me how I’m doing today I would say “I’m okay” which would actually mean I’m impatiently waiting on God to heal my hurt. I’m weary from a year of anticipating and begging and hoping and holding onto faith. And my perception of God right now is a little tainted by the pain of the last year and a half of our life. Because the truth is it was really hard and terrifying and I can’t help but replay the trauma of some of our days over and over in my head. 

I think grieving holds hands with forgiving. 

And I don’t know how you forgive something that’s so permanent and painful. 

It’s not like I need to forgive God. Deep down in my heart I know He is kind. I know He is still faithful and good. I know the pain I feel and what I see right in front of me is not the whole story. God is working in the unseen. But it feels hard to trust Him again. And it feels like someone owes me an apology. And I want it to be heartfelt and meaningful and to take away some of the sting that I feel. I want it to be hand delivered with tear stains signaling that someone else is as sad and broken hearted as I am. 

A friend sent me a book to read during our time away and the author writes-

“If we try and draw conclusions from the well of our deep pain we will only have the sorrow of today to sip from. If, however, we draw strength from the deep well of God’s promises for tomorrow and His faithfulness to us in the past, His living water is the goodness that will seep life into our dry and weary souls.” 

There are few times that I can look back and see dramatic, life altering miracles that God performed in front of me. But with Colton’s life I can. His whole life was God weaning and weaving and intervening and reminding us He hadn’t forgotten. Jesus receiving him back to heaven doesn’t diminish or downplay all that God did through him here on earth.

I know that every day of His life held great meaning and purpose and changed nearly everything about who I am, how our family lives and the things we view as important. And that’s partly what i’ll miss most about him. 

He called us higher. He challenged us to lean into grace and truth, to study God’s promises, to wait patiently and pray fervently. 

Early in Colton’s diagnosis we put a stake in the ground that God’s word is where we would run and always return to. And while I’m finding it harder today to open my bible, the gospel reminds me that Jesus himself suffered. He grieved. He asked God to take away his pain. And then trusted He was in the hands of the maker of heaven.
I never thought in my own pain to read Jesus’ words to his disciples just before he hung on the cross. But this morning I did;

“Very truly I tell you, you will weep and mourn while the world rejoices. You will grieve, but your grief will turn to joy. So with you, now is your time of grief, but I will see you again and you will rejoice, and no one will take away your joy.” John 16:20-22

He didn’t promise us that grief would be taken away and replaced with joy. He promised that grief would turn into joy. The grief would produce joy.

Grief was always a part of the story but it’s not how the story ends.