He hasn't left the room

Jason went into the hospital with Colton last week for his last bone marrow biopsy. I was sitting at a coffee shop for the majority of the day hoping my sunglasses hid the tears streaming down my face. 

I haven’t been able to write since he relapsed in May. Professionals would probably call it a writers block but for a newbie like me I think it might just be a brain fart. 

We’ve seen glimmers of hope in the last few weeks. Different times where we felt like God was reminding us that even though it looks like shit has really hit the fan He’s still here in the waiting and He’s a man of his word. He hasn’t forgotten all that He’s promised.

I think that’s what’s given me permission to write again. The reminder that the middle might be messy but Jesus always has the final word. 

We often pray that God would be clear about what He’s asking from us. Our minds are foggy and it’s gotten harder and harder to differentiate what’s God and what’s not. But this year we knew He was asking us to show up and while we hoped showing up would mean together, as a family of 3 and not between doctors appointments and hospital stays. It was clear we were to show up. Show up when it’s out of the way. Show up to celebrate others and their victories. Show up to our family get togethers or our friends bonfires. It’s okay to be late and in our baggy week old clothing. It’s okay to show up with nothing in our hands and very little to emotionally and mentally offer. He just wanted us to show up. 

Because that’s the thing about love. Love doesn’t care if you’re late or broken or messy. Love is inconvenient. Love doesn’t keep track of how many times you’ve actually shown up but love is just glad you’re there. Love looks like laying down your life to see someone else pick up theirs. Love is sometimes costly. The irony in all of this is the times when we showed up and I braced for it to be overwhelmingly painful I was met with overwhelming grace. 

Jesus is just like that. 

He’s got immeasurable grace where we’ve got immense weakness. 

We’ve prayed and protested and told satan to sit down and shut up and get out and at one point in the last week Colton was crying so loud. Like wake the neighbors loud. And I looked at Jason and said- I think God’s healing him right now. And he smiled back and said, “I think so too”. 

Maybe you just have to speak out loud the goodness of God until your heart believes it. 

Two days later we got news that Colton’s CNS and bone marrow biopsy results were COMPLETELY NEGATIVE! This means- there was no leukemia detected in his central nervous system or bone marrow.. GO GOD!!! 

I’ll write a little later about what the coming weeks look like as we prepare for a bone marrow transplant but for now we’ve got a lot to rejoice over. And I’m no expert in understanding the mystery behind God but I think in the depth of my being I do believe that He is a GOOD God who has gone before us and sees us. A good God who is for us, faithful in all things and will never leave us. I don’t know where He is half the time when I’m begging for Him to show up but I still believe He hasn’t left the room and He doesn’t plan to anytime soon. 

Thanks for praying with us. 

Our God is a God of Victory! 

xx, 

The Dietrich’s