Remember
It feels like the last month has been full of disappointments. I’d love to say we’re learning to dance on them but that would be a bit of a stretch. What we are learning is to juggle hope and heartbreak in the same hand.
Earlier this week Colton stopped walking, he would moan and cry every time we tried to move him. He so badly wanted to walk and play like normal but his body wasn’t strong enough. He’s asked for a thousand different things that he hoped would make him feel better, but once he realized they didn’t he would throw them out of his way. He’s been spiking a fever every 4 hours and refusing to eat.
After a few days of testing we got results back that he has an infection in his blood stream. We’re on day 4 of antibiotics and they seem to be working (just a lot slower than we’d prefer). But this morning he took a few steps on his own and has gone 16 hours without a fever!
PRAISE!
We’re hoping to be able to take a bone marrow biopsy next week- praying the results show no leukemia so we can move to John Hopkins for his transplant.
We have a really long road ahead of us.
It’s been hard to talk about the plans moving forward when everyday seems to bring new challenges and hurdles to jump over. I think our spirits are a bit weary. How do you heal from a wound that’s still open? So we’ve been quiet in the meantime- still pleading for heaven to invade earth.
Someday when my heart has the strength i’ll recap all the miracles and how we’ve seen God move. Someday I hope to look back on this season and see His mercies and how they really were new every morning. Someday I’ll recognize the tension between what the world tells us and what God tells us and I’ll be able to differentiate the two a little more clearly. Someday we won’t eat takeout for dinner every night and maybe someday we will actually sleep a full 8 hours uninterrupted. Someday I won’t have to argue my way to justice or feel pain so deeply.
But for now, I’ll lay down the dreams I had for this year, this season, our marriage, Colton’s life. I won’t lay them down forever but until God says to pick them up again they’ll remain surrendered. For now i’ll hold his weak and fragile body. For now I’ll study his little fingers and how they’re holding tightly onto his white truck that he calls “hemi”. For now I’ll watch the way his eyelashes flutter as he tries to fall asleep. I’ll sit in the strawberry stains he got on my white t shirt and i’ll admire the way his little legs are curled around my lap. For now I’ll remember that our affliction is momentary in light of eternity. I’ll remember God’s promise to never leave or forsake us. I’ll remember He’s a man of His word. For now i’ll celebrate anything and everything we can. For now I’ll let my feet hit the floor another day and get through. I might barely be standing but i’ll remember He will sustain me.
For now I’ll continue to beg for mercy. Not because I think it will change the outcome, but because I’m desperate for help. For now I’ll remind myself that God’s ability to move and heal and provide has nothing to do with my ability to perform. I’ll remember I can’t behave better or accomplish more. There’s no prayer I can pray or thing I can say to win His favor or love.
For now I’ll remember His love Is a love that always was, always is and always will be.
Thanks for praying with us.
xx,
The Dietrich’s
Our current anthems-