The chuck.

We’ve been working endlessly to get Colton to drink from a bottle and have been extremely unsuccessful.

So this morning as I laid him in my arms I put on little baby bum to give him something to focus on while I attempted to feed him (in this moment, I am not above letting my one year old binge watch tv. habits are meant to be broken, right?). 

He willingly let me put the bottle in his mouth and for 15 minutes we sat there and snuggled and it was wonderful and I thought we finally won the bottle war. 

Until I took the bottle out of his mouth and realized he hadn’t taken a single sip. 

He sat for 15 minutes with his mouth around the bottle and clenched his teeth tight so no milk would come out.

He’s brilliant.

So I did like any mom who’s sleep deprived would do and I lost it. 

I believe I murmured something about chucking him.

SUPER MATURE, I know.

Let me also clarify, I would never chuck him. 

Instead I handed him right over to his extremely patient dad and left the room for a while. 

I always prayed that Colton would have Jason’s knowledge and wisdom and eyelashes. 

And I’m confident God has answered all those prayers. 

I’m not suit to give advice on how to be a billionaire, how to live through your world crashing around you or how to be a good friend in the midst of trials. 

But I can be honest about the ways I’ve failed, the times I lost my cool or how to have sex in small spaces.

Hopefully the transparency in all those things makes you feel more adequate to do the things you’re called to do and mess up in between. I hope it allows you to take your failures with grace and ease and ask for forgiveness often. 

The last few weeks we’ve seen a lot of throw up.  We’ve spent a lot of nights awake and holding Colton. We’ve had a lot of arguments about a feeding tube and attempted a few more options to try to get Colton to gain weight. 

We’ve played with mounds of toys and books gifted to us from generous friends and family and strangers- we’ve worn them hard and loved them well but if I never saw another electronic piece of plastic I would be fine. 

We’ve had a lot of conversations about eating healthier and getting motivated to take better care of our bodies which resulted in eating more cookies and drinking more caffeinated things. 

We’ve opened a lot of baby food jars and tried lots of new foods. 

We’ve spent more time on our knees than our feet. Asking heaven to invade earth so we can stop seeing the babies on this floor suffer. 

And in between the tension of all the glory and pain I feel God reminding me.

Even if He never did another good thing, He’s done enough. 

Because the cross was enough. 

And on the days when I’m less than, when I screw up and mention chucking my one year old I have to believe and trust that God’s mercy covers all my sins and regrets. I have to believe that God understands my impatience and weakness and that the hands that hold me are greater and more powerful than my imperfections. 

I’d like to think after all we’ve been through we’ll be able to love people better through their own crap and mess, because the best thing about all of you following our journey is that we’re all sinful humans and living in chaos. 

So when we’re out of this hospital and going about our normal life I hope I remember the days you all reminded me that prayer and petition is always the answer. I hope when I see people struggling to make sense of their situations I can remind them of the same affection and joy that I felt that comes from Christ alone. I hope when someone asks me why this all happening I remember asking myself that same question and all the people who sent me scripture and worship aligning with the promise that King Jesus is always faithful. 

So thank you for being the army that stirred our faith, remained steadfast and have loved us through our messy middle. 

xx,

The Dietrich’s

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