Where there is no way.

I’ve been finding it hard to write these days.

Partially because words don’t feel like they articulate my feelings.

Partially because I’m exhausted and the thought of tapping deeper into my emotions feels like a lot of work.

Also partially because I’m still living what we’re going through.

It would be a lot easier to be writing from the other side. The side where we were out of the hospital, home, going about our normal lives and making holiday plans with a healthy baby tagging along.

But I’ve reread every single one of my blog posts since September and still today every one feels fresh and hits home.

I’ve had these feelings the past few weeks of just wanting to escape this chaos and forget all this experience has been for us.

I’ll always remember the night we found out Colton had leukemia, how Jason held me and how we wept together.

I’ll remember the doctor who told us Colton had a 20% chance of beating this cancer.

I’ll remember the first time they tried to take blood from his weak body.

I’ll remember the sound of Colton’s IV running out.

I’ll remember Colton working hard in therapy to relearn how to walk.

I’ll remember the week Colton would only eat spaghetti.

I’ll remember the days that he couldn’t move or lift his head.

I’ll remember the nurses who advocated for our family and cried with us when things weren’t going well.

I’ll remember the massive amounts of Starbucks we took in.

I’ll remember the friends and family who have consistently gone out of their way to love and care for us and make their presence and prayers known.

I’ll remember every spinal tap and bone marrow procedure.

I’ll remember the nights Colton only slept 45 minutes.

I’ll remember the desperate cries for help and prayers.

I’ll remember the morning we spent hours proclaiming scripture over Colton and then got the results that he had 0% leukemia.

I’ll remember the time we went through 100 diapers in 3 days.

I’ll remember the miracles God performed, over and over again.

How He undeniably touched our sweet Colton James.

And that right there, is why I never want to forget.


As I was talking with a friend this week she reminded me that in order for God to make a way where there is no way- there first has to be no way.

So the months and memories I desperately want to forget serve as my reminder that there was moments and trying days when there was no way, no answer, no rhyme or reason and God made a way.

We’ve prayed and protested in the midst of anger, confusion, sadness, joy, pain, sorrow, weakness and confidence and we’re not done yet.

Here’s to believing and asking for more ways where there is no way so we can see God do what only He can do.